I have a late night rant I wanted to put out here. Well, it's not a rant, more like quiet discussion with myself.
Tonight, I've come to the realization that I don't really know what I am.
I discovered a term I've heard before but never had given it a thought or bothered to know what it means.
Finally, tonight, I looked up the word and then came this definition:
Pansexuality, or omnisexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire for people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex. Some pansexuals suggest that they are gender-blind; that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.
The word pansexual is derived from the Greek prefix pan-, meaning "all". In its simplest form, pansexuality denotes the potential of sexual attraction to all genders and beings. It is intended to negate the idea of two genders (as expressed by bi-)
The adjective pansexual may also be applied to organizations or events. In this context, the term usually indicates an openness to the involvement of people of all genders and sexual orientations in said organization/event, as well as the pansexual sexual identity.
Definition source: Wikipedia
(I didn't like Dictionary.com's definition because it was far too generalized for my taste, plus it made it seem like something that's purely sexual.)
Though, I used to think myself as a sexual being (yes yes, calm your cries of 'OMG' and 'FTW') I feel most closely related to this definition. I am gender-blind. I feel that love that come from any human being, regardless of their gender, beliefs, orientation, and nurture. And I am accepting of all kinds of love (platonic, romantic, sexual). I just don't believe something like that should be restricted by something that's 'supposed to be' or, dare I say, 'normal'. Some people may think I'm fucked in the head, others will dispute that I'm bisexual.
The term 'bisexual' is something I used to describe my sexuality. But, I believe, that doesn't accurately describe me. That term, to me, makes it so that gender is in bold letters. Male. Female. I feel that humans are much more complex than that. And that's where gender roles come in, and dear god, I really could go into a whole other thing about it. But I'm not going to. Because I'm nice to your eyes.
Basically, what this is leading up to is that, on and off, I'm fighting with two sides of myself. The male side and the female side. For most of my life (if not all of it) the male side has been a very dominant role. I'm more butch than I am feminine. Everyone knows this.
Recently, the feminine side has been pushing out more and more. For a long time, I really didn't give a flying fuck about gender roles. I always said, 'You are who you are, how is it more difficult than that?'. I've discovered it's very much more difficult than I had ever anticipated. I'm very torn. I want my two sides to mix. Negotiate peacefully and become whole. And I've always knew the split was there, but now, it bothers me. When I think about dating a girl, I become much more butch and sometimes pretty cocky. Weird, huh? But when I think about a guy, I become feminine, not too much so, but enough to cause me to reevaluate myself and think, 'Is this really me?'. Who am I? Why do I have a Ms. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde complex? Why is it so complicated? And why the hell do I feel like a huge chunk of me is missing?
A little voice in my head asks, 'Why are you so concerned by this?' and all I can reply with is, 'I don't know.'
Another obstacle of life. Great. Dammit.